Subjective Karma

Wow, so much has changed in the past few months. Im doing so much better.

It's not that im not depressed, I just know how to better handle it. Sometimes.

And Ive realized a great deal of things.

*1) Possessions won't buy me happiness. It's the most overstated thing in the world, but it's really hit home lately. The clothes are great, but they don't make the person. My car is gorgeous, but it doesn't keep friends around. The coach bags are nice, but no one is buying into that facade. A movie is a nice purchase, but when it's over, im still alone. Buying a brand new car, as gorgeous as it may be, won't help the world. It wont feed the homeless, or cure cancer. An diamond ring is gorgeous, but not if you love it more than the person who gave it to you in the first place.

*2) Loneliness and self-reliance are not synonymous. I can do this by myself, and I proved that to myself. And right now, im choosing to do it myself.

*3) A job is supposed to pay the bills. It doesn't define me, nor does it control me. The drama isn't worth buying in to, and at the end of the day, it's just a job.

*4). Paying rent to someone who isn't your mommy or daddy is a priceless feeling. Because landlords won't listen to my bullshit. Im an adult, I have to pay my bills, and my rent is due regardless of how fancy a story I come up with.

*5) Happiness is a work in progress. Those of you who know me, know that happiness isnt my strongpoint. And medications are helpful, and so is therapy, and etc. But at the end of the day, really figuring things out for yourself is all that matter.

*5b) Happiness is subjective.

*6) People will die. It's amazing what I've lost since July. Ive seen two of my best friends die. And I've come out of that with a more understanding view of the world. I know I'm going to die, and I know it probably won't be at 24, or 25. But, regardless, someone will die at that age, and maybe that's a reason to care a bit more. And when disruptions like death shatter your entire world, and when you don't feel that anyone understands what you're going through, or has a minute to listen, thats when you find out a lot about yourself and your boundaries.

*7) Karma is more powerful than I ever imagined. This came to me over time, around the middle/end of November. I went on this little "mission" to stop my extensive trash talking. If you know me, you know how impossible that is for me to do. Well, for almost two weeks, I kept my mouth shut about everyone. with the exception of an outburst about someone I felt to be undeserving of a certain blessing. But, I started to see things differently. Maybe it was part of my little trip into really being a good person. Who knows. But things started to go better. I won $50 on a lotto ticket. I got a raise. A bill being cheaper than I had planned. Etc. All of these things, that I felt I deserved because I'd been nicer. Cliche. Anywho.

Recently I ran into a little snag with the karma gig. Call it passive agressiveness, but I generally am unconfrontational. I let people get away with anything and everything, assuming always that they will get their's in the long run. So how do I feel when someone who has been horrible to me, is getting handed amazing things in life? That took a minute. I had to think back to an episode of My Name is Earl where Earl talks about the one true way that karma can really punish a man. I had a good laugh there. But regardless, I still felt a bit jipped. Ive spent the last three/four months completely supporting myself. No financial support from my parents, with the exception of tuition. I pay all my own bills, on time. Sometimes a bit extra. Ive done well at work. Ive been honest and treated people better. Ive tried to dispense a lot of my anger and hatred.
Which, in the long run, is maybe karma working as well? Maybe, for me, the true gift in life isn't someone new and shiny, but genuine internal happiness and contentment with myself.

Maybe.

Ignore me, lol. Im just rambling, trying to sort out everything in my head.

On the other hand, I shouldnt expecting life to hand me rewards just because Ive been nice for a month or two. That doesnt make up for 20 years of being a bitch.

that probably doesnt make up for calling some girl fat. Or sleeping with some girls boyfriend. Or cheating. Lying. Faking relationships. starting rumors. making fun of someone for what they want out of life. calling someone a name. etc.

So, I probably have a few more years of bad karma coming my way. "Do bad things, and it will come back to haunt you." So, I guess thats where I am right now? Being haunted.

Which is horrible...but I know i deserve it.

hmm. I have a bit more clarity on the way things are going right now, but overall my question is this: How do I get to the point where Im genuinely a good person? I dont really feel like i have the kind of personality, where I can be bubbly and happy and ready to face the world every day. Its just been too too long since Ive felt that way. I can stop saying things out loud, but mean remarks still cross my mind.

So, where do I go from here?