Lacking Christmas Thoughts.

Today is Christmas. The day I have been dreading since my parents split back in April. The actual day itself isn't too difficult; it's not my first Christmas alone.

What is painful is the lack of remembrance some people show. People who have been aware for months that my family has been torn to pieces, that I have very little family left, and that small part is very far away, feel the need to keep asking me what my plans are with my family today.

It comes across as both stupid and ignorant. I am sure they have decent intentions, but it is a very different way than I go about handling things. I make a point to remember pieces of peoples lives and acknowledge that they have different things going on, so that on days like birthdays, Christmas, and other family-related holidays, I don't acknowledge things that may hurt a person on that day, or remind them of something they are having a hard time dealing with.

I am ready for today to be over. It has been a struggle of a day, and every minute is a reminder of how badly things have gone downhill. While I have the anticipation of moving back to Colorado in a week, people forget to realize that that doesn't take away from the pain of a specific day. It is still going to be hard to get through things...moving back to Colorado doesn't make the entire world better. My life will not automatically be easier because I move 1800 miles west. I have a lot of cleaning up to do. I have to get over the divorce, and how badly my mother has screwed my life up. I have to get over my intense intense hatred for my past co-workers, which the past few days has consumed me. I am entirely sick of being screwed over my people I have in the past been kind to. I am tired of being the girl who people feel the need to be jealous of, and be petty over. I want to have friends and be someone that people enjoy being around...I don't want people to always feel I am a threat to a boyfriend or a husband, that I might try to outdo them in some form. In the past few years, that is all it has been. Petty, petty jealousy. I want it to go away, and I want to pretend Florida never happened.

I also need to get over the failures of the past. I get hung up on things that happened months, years ago, that I feel I failed at, or could have done better. I never forgive myself for financial failures, or things of that nature that haunt me for months or years.

I need to stop obsessing and getting very stressed over this move. I am getting myself frustrated with the lack of space in the truck to move everything. The money that needs to be spent on shipping things, on the drive out there, hotels, on and on. It warps my mind, it's all I think about for hours.

Nothing seems to be helping. My anger and frustration is getting so intense, I lose my temper over every small thing. I get annoyed with television shows, other drivers, the bank, everything. I feel like everyone is in a way out to destroy me even further. If that's even possible.

Maybe I am pitiful, I don't know. But for once, I wish people would take a moment and stop treating me like I deserve to receive all this negativity in my life.

Things need to change. I am trying very hard....I have parties planned and social events for 2010, I plan to reenroll in school and finish up my degree. I am going to try a lot of things very differently. I will not sit cooped up in my house for another year being sad and hating everyone. I need to re-venture into a more social atmosphere and begin the process of being who I used to be.

Anyway. Merry Christmas to all. I hope everyone has a blessed upcoming year.

"We're all on planes"

The things I have learned lately:

1. Never underestimate the amount of knowledge that can come from reruns of House MD.

a. if anyone would ever like the know an extensive definition of an EKG, i am available.

2. People do not understand the meaning of rent being due. More importantly, they do not understand the meaning of rent being due ON TIME.

3. People will fail to understand, and will continue to misinterpret everyone and everything, so long as they are masked by ignorance, guilt, and humiliation.

Not that Karma has stopped chasing me. If anything, Karma has picked up the speed, and is attacking at full force. I understand, and I respect. However, I also concede. I'm tired. I have done things wrong in the past; many things. However, I cannot believe it is deserving of so much retribution.

The things I have done have come back in equal form to me. Now it is simply a matter of others doing many things wrong and impacting my life.

Ah, it is life. I am not complaining, not by far. I love my life as it is, with all the flaws and the imperfections, the mistakes and the moments. It is in it's own way perfect.

I need to spend more time enjoying the sights, the sounds, the reasons for existence.

I spend too many hours of my day inside, staring at computer screens. Granted lately the weather doesn't allow for much more, but still. I need to start enjoying things. I will make an important note to begin doing these things very soon.

And hopefully, I will take someone along for the journey.

A list is being compiled of things that need to be experienced, need to be done in this lifetime. And one by one, I am crossing them off. With the help of a lovely boy, and a great dad.

Grand Canyon, a mule ride. I want to do it!

Also, an armadillo. Must touch an armadillo. And get it on camera.

Speaking of which, where is my beloved camera? It is in the endless abyss that is my coach bag. I will have to dig it out and start photographing beauty. It's everywhere.

Ooohh Life, how I love you.

Almost as much as I love Dean Koontz and Jeffery Deaver. Almost as much as I love NCIS and House.

Almost.

<3

Decisions.

inevitably, there comes a point where things must change. A point where you have to realize that everything you do is laying a foundation for who you will become.

"You had the grace to hold yourself, while those
around you crawled. They crawled out of the woodwork, and they whispered into
your brain. They set you on the treadmill, and they made you change your
name."

The decision I need to make right now is regarding whether or not I stay in Colorado. After my pseudo-divorce, everyone felt it would be best if I left and spent some time home with my parents. At the time, I didnt feel that was best. I'm still having quite the struggle with it. I enjoy my independence. And I know thats not everything in life, but to me it means a lot, especially after everything that's happened. I want people to know that I can do it on my own. I guess the people who matter already know I can do it on my own. But there's a lot of stigma that I dont want surrounding me, about moving back in with your parents.

Though, in all technicality, I won't be moving back in with them. I'll be living in my own house in the same city, potentially the same neighborhood.

What's holding me back? Very very few things. And the things that are holding me, these things are starting to fall apart by the day. As of late, I've decided to stay because I wanted to see how things went with someone I was very interested in. And things are going well, I guess. It's been since the beginning of November, and we haven't really made any progress. We're still where we were at that point in time. He says it's because we both just got out of relationships and he's nervous to get back into something so quick, which I respect and understand. But, thats not me. I AM ready to get back into something, and the way I see it is that you'll never know unless you try. So my concern has turned into....what if I wait around for six months, and nothing goes anywhere. Flashback of the past two relationships I've been in, post-divorce.

So do I wait? (heart). Or do I pack, leave, and start a life in a new house in south florida? (head). I'm absolutely torn. Realistically, I have few reasons to wait. We aren't in a relationship, we're not even close. Whether he has commitment issues or whatever, thats beyond me. All I know, is that he won't commit to me. And thats all I need to know.

But, if he ever DID commit to me, I think it would work perfectly.

which, is the snag.

Now, after that, heres comes my next concern.


I dont know what the hell I want with my life. Since things started to unravel in the past year, I've given up a great deal of dreams. I'm doing great in school, no worries there. But I dont know what I want to do. I adore writing, and I want to pursue that. And it's funny, because your dreams never seem the most logical pursuit.

My parents are getting frustrated with me not knowing where I'm going, what I'm doing, and how I plan to do it. Theyre investing the financial portion of the college education, and I don't even know how I plan to complete it, or what to do if I ever get to a post-education lifestyle. God willing.

And maybe thats because right now I'm 100% trapped in a terrified mindset. My emotions have taken over my life, and anger is so unbelievably rampant, it's scary.

Karma, karma. Maybe i'm destined to live in limbo. Not so bad, but not so great either.

Subjective Karma

Wow, so much has changed in the past few months. Im doing so much better.

It's not that im not depressed, I just know how to better handle it. Sometimes.

And Ive realized a great deal of things.

*1) Possessions won't buy me happiness. It's the most overstated thing in the world, but it's really hit home lately. The clothes are great, but they don't make the person. My car is gorgeous, but it doesn't keep friends around. The coach bags are nice, but no one is buying into that facade. A movie is a nice purchase, but when it's over, im still alone. Buying a brand new car, as gorgeous as it may be, won't help the world. It wont feed the homeless, or cure cancer. An diamond ring is gorgeous, but not if you love it more than the person who gave it to you in the first place.

*2) Loneliness and self-reliance are not synonymous. I can do this by myself, and I proved that to myself. And right now, im choosing to do it myself.

*3) A job is supposed to pay the bills. It doesn't define me, nor does it control me. The drama isn't worth buying in to, and at the end of the day, it's just a job.

*4). Paying rent to someone who isn't your mommy or daddy is a priceless feeling. Because landlords won't listen to my bullshit. Im an adult, I have to pay my bills, and my rent is due regardless of how fancy a story I come up with.

*5) Happiness is a work in progress. Those of you who know me, know that happiness isnt my strongpoint. And medications are helpful, and so is therapy, and etc. But at the end of the day, really figuring things out for yourself is all that matter.

*5b) Happiness is subjective.

*6) People will die. It's amazing what I've lost since July. Ive seen two of my best friends die. And I've come out of that with a more understanding view of the world. I know I'm going to die, and I know it probably won't be at 24, or 25. But, regardless, someone will die at that age, and maybe that's a reason to care a bit more. And when disruptions like death shatter your entire world, and when you don't feel that anyone understands what you're going through, or has a minute to listen, thats when you find out a lot about yourself and your boundaries.

*7) Karma is more powerful than I ever imagined. This came to me over time, around the middle/end of November. I went on this little "mission" to stop my extensive trash talking. If you know me, you know how impossible that is for me to do. Well, for almost two weeks, I kept my mouth shut about everyone. with the exception of an outburst about someone I felt to be undeserving of a certain blessing. But, I started to see things differently. Maybe it was part of my little trip into really being a good person. Who knows. But things started to go better. I won $50 on a lotto ticket. I got a raise. A bill being cheaper than I had planned. Etc. All of these things, that I felt I deserved because I'd been nicer. Cliche. Anywho.

Recently I ran into a little snag with the karma gig. Call it passive agressiveness, but I generally am unconfrontational. I let people get away with anything and everything, assuming always that they will get their's in the long run. So how do I feel when someone who has been horrible to me, is getting handed amazing things in life? That took a minute. I had to think back to an episode of My Name is Earl where Earl talks about the one true way that karma can really punish a man. I had a good laugh there. But regardless, I still felt a bit jipped. Ive spent the last three/four months completely supporting myself. No financial support from my parents, with the exception of tuition. I pay all my own bills, on time. Sometimes a bit extra. Ive done well at work. Ive been honest and treated people better. Ive tried to dispense a lot of my anger and hatred.
Which, in the long run, is maybe karma working as well? Maybe, for me, the true gift in life isn't someone new and shiny, but genuine internal happiness and contentment with myself.

Maybe.

Ignore me, lol. Im just rambling, trying to sort out everything in my head.

On the other hand, I shouldnt expecting life to hand me rewards just because Ive been nice for a month or two. That doesnt make up for 20 years of being a bitch.

that probably doesnt make up for calling some girl fat. Or sleeping with some girls boyfriend. Or cheating. Lying. Faking relationships. starting rumors. making fun of someone for what they want out of life. calling someone a name. etc.

So, I probably have a few more years of bad karma coming my way. "Do bad things, and it will come back to haunt you." So, I guess thats where I am right now? Being haunted.

Which is horrible...but I know i deserve it.

hmm. I have a bit more clarity on the way things are going right now, but overall my question is this: How do I get to the point where Im genuinely a good person? I dont really feel like i have the kind of personality, where I can be bubbly and happy and ready to face the world every day. Its just been too too long since Ive felt that way. I can stop saying things out loud, but mean remarks still cross my mind.

So, where do I go from here?