"You had the grace to hold yourself, while those
around you crawled. They crawled out of the woodwork, and they whispered into
your brain. They set you on the treadmill, and they made you change your
name."
The decision I need to make right now is regarding whether or not I stay in Colorado. After my pseudo-divorce, everyone felt it would be best if I left and spent some time home with my parents. At the time, I didnt feel that was best. I'm still having quite the struggle with it. I enjoy my independence. And I know thats not everything in life, but to me it means a lot, especially after everything that's happened. I want people to know that I can do it on my own. I guess the people who matter already know I can do it on my own. But there's a lot of stigma that I dont want surrounding me, about moving back in with your parents.
Though, in all technicality, I won't be moving back in with them. I'll be living in my own house in the same city, potentially the same neighborhood.
What's holding me back? Very very few things. And the things that are holding me, these things are starting to fall apart by the day. As of late, I've decided to stay because I wanted to see how things went with someone I was very interested in. And things are going well, I guess. It's been since the beginning of November, and we haven't really made any progress. We're still where we were at that point in time. He says it's because we both just got out of relationships and he's nervous to get back into something so quick, which I respect and understand. But, thats not me. I AM ready to get back into something, and the way I see it is that you'll never know unless you try. So my concern has turned into....what if I wait around for six months, and nothing goes anywhere. Flashback of the past two relationships I've been in, post-divorce.
So do I wait? (heart). Or do I pack, leave, and start a life in a new house in south florida? (head). I'm absolutely torn. Realistically, I have few reasons to wait. We aren't in a relationship, we're not even close. Whether he has commitment issues or whatever, thats beyond me. All I know, is that he won't commit to me. And thats all I need to know.
But, if he ever DID commit to me, I think it would work perfectly.
which, is the snag.
Now, after that, heres comes my next concern.
I dont know what the hell I want with my life. Since things started to unravel in the past year, I've given up a great deal of dreams. I'm doing great in school, no worries there. But I dont know what I want to do. I adore writing, and I want to pursue that. And it's funny, because your dreams never seem the most logical pursuit.
My parents are getting frustrated with me not knowing where I'm going, what I'm doing, and how I plan to do it. Theyre investing the financial portion of the college education, and I don't even know how I plan to complete it, or what to do if I ever get to a post-education lifestyle. God willing.
And maybe thats because right now I'm 100% trapped in a terrified mindset. My emotions have taken over my life, and anger is so unbelievably rampant, it's scary.
Karma, karma. Maybe i'm destined to live in limbo. Not so bad, but not so great either.
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