What is painful is the lack of remembrance some people show. People who have been aware for months that my family has been torn to pieces, that I have very little family left, and that small part is very far away, feel the need to keep asking me what my plans are with my family today.
It comes across as both stupid and ignorant. I am sure they have decent intentions, but it is a very different way than I go about handling things. I make a point to remember pieces of peoples lives and acknowledge that they have different things going on, so that on days like birthdays, Christmas, and other family-related holidays, I don't acknowledge things that may hurt a person on that day, or remind them of something they are having a hard time dealing with.
I am ready for today to be over. It has been a struggle of a day, and every minute is a reminder of how badly things have gone downhill. While I have the anticipation of moving back to Colorado in a week, people forget to realize that that doesn't take away from the pain of a specific day. It is still going to be hard to get through things...moving back to Colorado doesn't make the entire world better. My life will not automatically be easier because I move 1800 miles west. I have a lot of cleaning up to do. I have to get over the divorce, and how badly my mother has screwed my life up. I have to get over my intense intense hatred for my past co-workers, which the past few days has consumed me. I am entirely sick of being screwed over my people I have in the past been kind to. I am tired of being the girl who people feel the need to be jealous of, and be petty over. I want to have friends and be someone that people enjoy being around...I don't want people to always feel I am a threat to a boyfriend or a husband, that I might try to outdo them in some form. In the past few years, that is all it has been. Petty, petty jealousy. I want it to go away, and I want to pretend Florida never happened.
I also need to get over the failures of the past. I get hung up on things that happened months, years ago, that I feel I failed at, or could have done better. I never forgive myself for financial failures, or things of that nature that haunt me for months or years.
I need to stop obsessing and getting very stressed over this move. I am getting myself frustrated with the lack of space in the truck to move everything. The money that needs to be spent on shipping things, on the drive out there, hotels, on and on. It warps my mind, it's all I think about for hours.
Nothing seems to be helping. My anger and frustration is getting so intense, I lose my temper over every small thing. I get annoyed with television shows, other drivers, the bank, everything. I feel like everyone is in a way out to destroy me even further. If that's even possible.
Maybe I am pitiful, I don't know. But for once, I wish people would take a moment and stop treating me like I deserve to receive all this negativity in my life.
Things need to change. I am trying very hard....I have parties planned and social events for 2010, I plan to reenroll in school and finish up my degree. I am going to try a lot of things very differently. I will not sit cooped up in my house for another year being sad and hating everyone. I need to re-venture into a more social atmosphere and begin the process of being who I used to be.
Anyway. Merry Christmas to all. I hope everyone has a blessed upcoming year.
